Feminism in Action
From braving mundane interactions to unveiling systemic oppression
I respect him. I do. He’s a great colleague. He knows his stuff. Very knowledgeable. I’m lucky to know him, I suppose.
But how much should I take when he won’t stop flirting with me?
In everyday interactions, women have to ask themselves questions like this. Sometimes it is something as subtle as whether or not you should let him open the door. Why wouldn’t I let a man open the door for me? Why, isn’t that just good old-fashioned chivalry? Isn’t he just being nice? Well, no, not when you walk through the door and he inhales your scent as you pass and places his hand on the small of your back to guide you through that door. Not when his stance is one of protection, of claiming.
Excuse me, Bro, but keep your hands, nose, and good intentions to yourself.
I have a colleague with whom I’ve worked, successfully, on projects in a larger team setting. I have no complaints about working with him professionally. I find him to be reliable and personable and a natural leader in our working group. But I knew from the moment he reached across the table and held my hand at lunch and called me Sweetheart that his “respect” and “admiration” for me had nothing to do with my professional contributions to the team.
So I did the difficult thing. I looked him in the eye, told him I was uncomfortable with his advances, and explained that my interest in his company was solely professional.
That should have been the end of the conversation. The only acceptable response to being told this would have been to…well, accept it. But he did not.
He launched into an explanation of his behavior, insisting that I misunderstood his motives, that I should know him by now, and how much he respects me. His pet names for me were terms of endearment that many other people use for their friends. And I’m such a good friend.
I stood strong. His insistence that I merely misunderstood angered me. “No,” I insisted. “This is deeply disappointing. Because when I tell you I do not like being called that, you try to convince me that I should when you ought to respect that I don’t.”
He responds, “Look, we both have plenty of people knocking at our doors. I do not need to pursue you.”
Great, I think, then stop pursuing! But this isn’t what I said. Instead, I bit back, “What function do your words serve? To protect your ego? Because I do not care. If you want to imply that you don’t need me, that only helps you to feel better about your actions. It does nothing to convince me that I should want your attention when this whole time I am very clearly telling you I do not want your attention. It is unwelcome!”
Thankfully, our project was finished, and I did not need to continue working with him for the time being. I blocked his number and felt good about keeping my boundaries firm and standing my ground.
But what if I had to work with him on other projects?
The Science
Women face this sort of situation all the time. Thankfully, two pioneering researchers are systematically and empirically calling out the injustice women face at work and in life. I am beyond blessed to have professional role models in these women, these scientists who don’t only break the mold as women in STEM, but whose work seeks to understand the problem so that it can be addressed.
Jennifer Freyd, Ph.D. has dedicated her career to understanding the especially pernicious brand of trauma that is caused by those upon whom we depend. This can be personal, such as with parents who abuse their children, husbands who beat their wives, or best friends who sleep with your spouse. The act itself is traumatic, but when we are wired to depend on our close relationships for survival (either literally or emotionally or both), that betrayal causes a conflict within our innate system built for survival.
Our body says, “This person is not safe. They cause me harm. I must run away.” At the same time, our body says, “I’m not safe. Therefore, I need to seek safety in my close relationships that provide protection and comfort. I must get closer to them.” We are caught in an internal conflict caused by a strong need to be comforted by the very person we need to run away from.
You may be familiar with an acronym that describes the behaviors of perpetrators of betrayal trauma. It’s DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender. There are plenty of great resources online that explain DARVO, how to spot it, how to respond to it, and how to avoid it. Here is a video by Psych2Go that does a good job of explaining this issue:
But this sort of manipulation could happen to anyone, right? Well, yes. Why is this a feminist issue? And, if we consider Freyd’s more recent research on institutional betrayal trauma, you could even argue that institutions are not gendered and therefore, this is even harder to argue as feminist research.
Over 20 years of research, it is obvious that betrayal trauma specifically is gendered. Women are at a higher risk of exposure to betrayal and having their perpetrators respond with DARVO tactics. When this situation happens within the context of work or school, as it so often does, the institution’s failure to address the issue and protect the victim perpetuates the harm. This is what Freyd calls institutional betrayal trauma.1
Admirably, Freyd did not stop there. Explaining the problem and documenting how pervasive it is, how it happens, the consequences of it, and the costs of it, are not enough. In response to the overwhelming evidence that women are disproportionately suffering from betrayal trauma and then being re-victimized by the institutions on which they rely for their health, education, and livelihood, Freyd founded the Center for Institutional Courage. Through this center, Freyd and her team are working to reduce sexual violence, fight for equal pay, and demand accountability.
Meanwhile, at Claremont Graduate University, M. Gloria González-Morales, Ph.D. leads the Worker Wellbeing Lab, an unapologetically self-proclaimed feminist research lab. As a professor of Positive Organizational Psychology, González-Morales and her team focus on workplace culture, diversity, equity, and inclusion, and what it means to feel belonging at work, not just for women, but for all individuals. She also directs the Center for Academic and Faculty Excellence at CGU, fostering inclusive excellence in future educators.
Like Freyd, González-Morales transforms research into action. Her team is made up of a diverse group of consultants with expertise in business, health, non-profit, and government sectors. She writes, teaches, and consults with a lens for diversity and justice, and she’s not afraid to state the problem that no one is comfortable talking about: Women are not just underrepresented, they are undervalued and under-estimated—and we can observe and measure the degree to which this is happening within organizations and institutions!
Feminism is about equality and choice—equal pay, equal rights, equal access, and choice to work, to raise children, to not do either, to be autonomous. And so much more. Justice for marginalized people, including women, is feminist research, and González-Morales’s work seeks that justice with validated and reliable research tools, such as scales that measure workplace climate and whether it is inclusive of marginalized and diverse experiences.2 Check out more of her work on Research Gate.
Mindful Moment
Back to the question posed at the beginning—how much should I take?
Research, and mindfulness, remind me that the power of observation, dispassionate and without judgment, may be a good place to start when I need to find an answer.
I observe their actions: the hand on the small of the back, the use of the words sweetheart, love, good girl, baby girl, or anything other than my name, the denial of wrongdoing, and the assertion of good intentions. I observe my reaction to it: the immediate interpretation of danger, the associated anger, and the desire to run, fight, or freeze.
Acting with awareness, I speak the truth. I am unafraid and unashamed to assert my boundaries. I am firm, calm, and resolute. I observe a knee-jerk tendency to either threaten or dissociate and acquiesce, remember my resolve, and act with awareness and acceptance of the discomfort that comes with speaking up.
Just like with meditation, the more we practice feminism, the more we will be prepared to do it again and again. I don’t know yet if it will get easier, but I do know it gets more likely.
Mood of the Moment
"Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women." - Maya Angelou
Freyd, J.J. (2024). Institutional Betrayal Trauma: Theory, Research, Prevention [PowerPoint Slides]. Claremont, CA, USA.
Sakr, Nouran, Leanne S. Son Hing, and M. Gloria González-Morales. “Development and Validation of the Marginalized-Group-Focused Diversity Climate Scale: Group Differences and Outcomes.” Journal of Business and Psychology 38, no. 3 (June 2023): 689–722. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10869-022-09859-3.
Thank you for sharing this and for being the amazing person you are!