I recently read some advice that artists should introduce themselves as people because it will make their art more . . . alluring. I’m not sure about that—sometimes I think we should separate the art from the artist. But, given that I write memoir, I suppose it only makes sense to introduce myself.
Who Am I?
What does this question even mean? Have you ever gone into an interview and someone asks, “So, tell me a bit about yourself?” and then you clam up? That’s me. I never know what to say to these sorts of questions. You’d think I’d have a better grip on this given my decades of education in psychology, but alas, not really.
Usually, I end up describing myself in relation to others. Like, I’m a mother, I’m a daughter, a sister, a student, blah blah blah. But I’ll give this a go instead:
What I find meaningful:
Positive relationships
Slow mornings
New experiences that widen my perspective and expand my horizons
Chocolate. Oh God help you if I run out of chocolate . . .
Living my values (read: Eudaimonia)
Authenticity
What I care relatively little about (beyond what I have to):
Other people’s monkeys and circuses
Cars
Fashion
Money
Pop Culture
Politics beyond what I can vote for/against or have any actionable power over whatsoever
Beyond this, a HUGE part of my identity that seems to be shifting is that of being a mother. My children are grown, live elsewhere, and require relatively little of my energy. Therefore, you will see a few of my posts where I discuss my children, but since actively parenting is no longer part of my day-to-day, I have less to write about in that arena than I used to.
What do I do?
Typically, when asked this question, I assume people mean to say, “What is your job that you get paid to do?” But I don’t like that. I do many things that I don’t get paid for, and some that I pay for.
Write: I publish a weekly post here on Substack and only recently turned on paid subscriptions as an option. The paid subscriptions are just for erotica or other provocative material. Or adult romance. Or smut. I’ll let other people argue about the differences there. But hey, who knows? I just started this, and it could go in a completely different direction later on. Otherwise, my posts are usually tagged with:
Memoir
Positive Psychology
Relationships
Writing
Meaning-making
Humor
Research: Another thing I do that I not only don’t get paid for but pay for is research as a doctoral student. My research agenda is mostly mindfulness and interpersonal emotion regulation, so concepts from these topics will show up regularly in my writing. But I’m currently studying what it’s like for parents to be investigated by Child Protective Services. This topic falls more under family studies, which is tangential to developmental psychology, but sometimes the lines between disciplines are blurry. Who wants to stay siloed anyway?
Teach: Ah, here we finally reach the job. I’m an adjunct professor teaching the very classes that everyone in psychology has to take and no one wants to take: Research Methods and Statistics. I enjoy it, and sometimes my students do. But sometimes they don’t.
Hobbies: Reading goes without saying if you are a writer (or it should). But I need to move my body! So I like to:
Dance by myself in my living room. Sometimes naked. Sometimes the shades are up. No, I don’t care, and I assume no one else does either.
Run. Being out in the fresh air, pounding pavement, dripping with sweat. Oh yeah, those endorphins are gooooood.
Pilates, yoga, HIIT. Hot yoga is great. I have no interest in doing goat yoga, although I've heard other people love it.
Tennis. Not professionally or anything. I just like to hit the ball back and forth. But alas, I don’t have a tennis buddy since my son left after college. Le sigh.
Otherwise, my more intellectual hobbies are learning —learning to play the piano, learning to speak French, and learning to create delicious plant-forward meals.
Social hobbies include wine tasting, live music, hiking, and karaoke nights at local breweries.
Occasionally, I watch TV. The last show I binge-watched was The Handmaid’s Tale. Before that, it was Shameless.
This is starting to feel like a dating profile. Let’s move on, shall we?
What do I want?
When’s the last time someone asked you this question? I think it’s an important one to ask just about anyone at any time. What motivates us? What gets us up in the morning? What keeps us going? Where’s that next goal post? What does success look like?
I write for one main reason: to get the stories out into the Universe so that they are no longer confined to the limits of my inner dialogue or the subjective experiences of those living them. My mother, for example, has an incredible story of childhood abuse, marital conflict, divorce, attempted murder, and peace and love. Real life is like that. It’s complex, it’s rich, it’s deep. Since I’ve been reading memoirs, the characters are so much more relatable, and I’m more invested in them because they’re real people.
Also, therapy. I write as a form of therapy. The more I write, the less cranky I am, the more people get the best version of me. It’s a win/win all around.
Lived experiences often have a story arc just like fiction: There’s some inciting incident, a sort of questioning of who you are or what you are doing, a struggle, a triumph, and a coming back full circle somehow.
I want to be inspired by real life, and often find that I am. So much of the writing here on Substack inspires me. I want to do this for others, too.
Finally, I want to take this expertise I’ve cultivated, and continue to cultivate, and apply it through an accessible, sort of living and breathing medium. What good is it to know what attachment disorders are if you don’t know how they might look in the moment with a loved one, standing barefoot across from you in your own kitchen?
Why would you care? And who’s going to care, anyway?
Well, my friend, you might not. You might read two sentences in a post and decide this has no relevance to you whatsoever. Or you might relate to some ubiquitous experience (like falling in love, facing rejection, or grieving the loss of a dear friend) and find some comfort and inspiration. Perhaps you’ll smile. Perhaps you’ll laugh. Perhaps you’ll cringe. (Okay, so some will laugh where others will cringe. My sense of humor can be a bit dry and ironic.)
Audience? Hello? Are you out there? Who’s there? Do I have an imaginary audience in mind for whom I’m tailoring my content? No, not really. I’m told I should. But, if I’m being honest, this just isn’t how I write.
I write for one main reason: to get the stories out into the Universe so that they are no longer confined to the limits of my inner dialogue or the subjective experiences of those living them.
Having said that, I can tell you that the first obvious set of folks that came across my writing knew me personally and therefore cared a little or wanted to be supportive. My mother dutifully likes and comments on my posts (Love you, Momma Bear!) But I think the most likely people who will read my content are going to be women and other writers. However, I hope that people across the gender and life experience spectrum will find something they can either relate to or be surprised by. After all, the very experience of life applies to everyone. Though if you are on Substack to get the latest news, celebrity gossip, or workout tips… What am I saying? Those folks haven’t even made it this far.
What’s next?
Many of my posts will involve some music. Music is a mood, vibe, rhythm. Like life. For a while, at the end of my posts, I’d write a section on what the science says and bring in some articles or introduce some academic terminology. Then, I’d end the post with a “Mood of the Moment” YouTube video of whatever song felt fitting for the topic I wrote about. This won’t show up in all my posts, but sometimes music just captures an idea so well that the story or lesson can live in your body instead of just in your head. Here’s what I mean:
Logistically, this summer has been perfect for getting a steady pace going. I’ve published every week and plan to continue to do this even when the school year picks back up in about a month. Everyone will get a weekly post. Paid subscribers will get something juicy once a month. More likely than not, free subscribers will get a PG-13 version of the same thing.
What you can count on is consistently reading something real. It’s what I do.
Finally, I’m pitching my memoir to agents, submitting articles to magazines and contests, and attending retreats and residencies to work on becoming a better writer. Like my research, these are activities that I pay for and don’t get paid for . . . yet. So if you’d like to help with a one-time $5+ donation, please click the link below and show your support. I appreciate it!
Thanks for sharing this space with me. LOVELY meeting you all!
